The Court is now in Session.

And the verdict is out.

I'm starting to get paranoid about hearings in general - court-like hearings that is.

Why do they always say that hearings are impartial yet no one listens to your plea?

That the hearings are non-accusatory yet you feel like the guards are ready to escort you to prison?

Feels scripted and that all they want to do is to get it over with?

Next time, I'll bring my entourage.

A Range of Human Emotions

With all the issues I'm facing now, it's no surprise that I am going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

I really have no place to go or no one to talk to so I'll just let the anonymous readers here (if they find this blog) to read my thoughts.

Lemme get the ball rolling while I have all these emotions huddled up inside.

Loss - I feel like I've lost a part of my life already. I am not suicidal but I feel like everything I've worked so hard for is now going to waste. Just like what we were talking about here in the office - the point of the matter is - it's pointless.

Regret - I should have done something regarding this before. But regrets always show up in the end - otherwise, they won't be called regret in the first place.

Pain - That right now, I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel like I've lost my last straw of hope - my Mom. "Ikaw kasi ang may kasalanan ng lahat" - "You're the one to blame for everything that's happening" - clearly signifies her lack of support in my case. I have been longing for the day when she would just shut up and listen and believe what I'm telling her. No rebuttals, no "I told you so's", no nothing.

Hope - that maybe God has some *&^%$ed up reason why he's giving me all these trials all at once - "We say all or nothing" like our work spiels say. I'm getting a dose of my own work medicine. I still am thinking that God would not be giving these to me if I cannot handle it.

Hurt - I chose to separate this from pain since right now my chest feels like it's going to burst. I am definitely hurting now. I just want to go somewhere and scream till my lungs hurt due to lack of air. To go somewhere and cry relentlessly. To drink and get drunk. I just want to get this day over with. I don't want to focus on anything else. (Queue Lady Gaga's Pokerface).

And the best part...

Alone - I feel like I am gonna be destined to go through this alone. No one to talk to. No one will listen. Everyone will just make effing judgements.

Better pick my poison. To talk to someone and be judged again - which will hurt; or not to talk to anyone and bottle up all the hurt - which will also hurt.

I need to smoke.